Happy Birthday Christina Applegate

Subtitle: How I Saved Thanksgiving...

...again.

The days have become impossibly short. The air bites bitter cold.

Let's celebrate!

In all honesty; I look forward to Thanksgiving. It makes it up on the list of favourite holidays:

(This is that list)
January 9 - National Play God Day
February 20 - Hoodie Hoo Day
June 20 - National Ice Cream Soda Day and my birthday
September 11 - No News is Good News Day
February 18 - Presidents Day

Thanksgiving is a holiday that needs nothing more than good food and good company to be a success. My family can certainly deliver on the food and their company is... interesting to say the least.

A goose; a goose for everyone!

Who (the shit) am I to complain though?

1. I am probably ten times weirder than anyone of those people who I will be enjoying the festivities with.

2. I will most likely be high as a kite.

3. They are my family; and I have learned long ago - that you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can only pick your friends nose with the help of a family that possesses considerable upper body strength.

So I figured amidst the talk of alien abductions, family gossip, awkward blowjob conversations with grandma, political arguments, and "what the hell one actually should be doing with one's life," I will enjoy the food and irreverence that I have come to expect from an evening with my familial relations.

I had a pleasant recollection, this evening, of one of the first Thanksgiving dinners my sister and her husband hosted -

They were living in a lovely little apartment with a beautiful dining room - much too small for the crowds they are now pulling - and it was normal family fare for conversation - my sister had prepared most of the side dishes. I remember this meal vividly. I remember tasting the balsamic glazed brussel-sprouts that had been roasted with salty pancetta, I remember the fresh snap of the greenbeans sprinkled with pomegranate seeds and how the goat cheese cut the tart of the seeds but spread the sweet earthiness of the greenbeans over your tongue with a melt in your mouth creaminess.

Thanksgiving dinner could be interesting - it could be exciting even.

I believe that year we had roasted garlic mashed potatoes - but even if it was - let us pretend that this was the year of the horseradish mashed potatoes.

This Thanksgiving set a precedent on the food front. From now on - my sister was primary hostess of that gluttonous festival that is on a certain Thursday of a certain month.

This got me interested in cooking again; the pancetta brussel-sprouts are now a favorite recipe of mine as well as an unbelievable root-vegetable gratine that was served a few years later.

A bad turkey can ruin a thanksgiving meal; but sides are where it is at.

I realized that if I wanted to keep up in this family - I was going to have to deliver. So I came up witha few recipes of my own and started providing at least two dishes to the meal for the last few years. However on some occasions my ambition would outweigh my personal ability and the five delicious dishes I wanted to provide would turn into four dishes of varying quality.

This year for both of my Thanksgiving's I decided that I would make two dishes and make sure they came out exactly how I wanted - well; as is want to happen with me in food and theatre - two turns into three - three turns into four. Within twelve hours of coming up with my menu - it had doubled in scope.

"It's fine - everything is fine." I was maintaining. I had done most of my prep work for the major dishes and the other two were simple:

-Cranberry Sauce (not fancy cranberry sauce)
Cranberries, orange juice, sugar... let it become a sauce. Cool.
-Mustard Roasted Baby Potatoes
Cover potatoes in mustard... bake till delicious. Salt and pepper to taste.

I thought once I got everything set in the oven I could make myself a cup of tea and work on some writing.

Life is never so simple for a superhero.

I receive a call on my mobile cellular phone; it is my brother-in-law - my sister has removed the tip of her finger (stop) blood everywhere (stop) we need you to cook everything. (stop)

Within minutes I have stuffed a duffel-bag full of dish towels and loaded my casserole dishes and hot pots of food into it. I fill a smaller bag with anything I think I may need -eggs, chicken and turkey stock, soynog, the dagger or orion, and my dugout.

I find my sister sitting in the kitchen with a half finished root-vegetable gratin - most of the other dishes haven't even been started.

I could go through a large food list of the things I cooked this year - but I think it may be easier to say that the only things I didn't cook this year were the turkey, gravy, and corn pudding.

I was less than satisfied with the dishes that I originally set out to cook - but the fact that everything came out hot, edible, and on time was enough for me.

I could tell you many embarrassing moments from the evening - but for the most part the night flowed perfectly from one moment to the next. A time to sit around and enjoy a large selection of amazing food and an ever expanding and growing family.

I watched my crazy family engage in conversations ranging from - peeing on people to hilarious instances of child prostitution (it can be funny). While running around, making sure everything was being cleaned up, people had drinks, my nephew was being attended to like the little prince he is, be hilarious and entertaining to our guests, and just general servitude duties - I thought to myself...

"This would all be a disaster if I wasn't around. These people need me. I cannot just leave these people because next year someones house is going to burn down."

Within this year I have seen my brother Tobias get married, I have seen my nephew grow from a little adorable bag-o-meat into the eloquent and demanding little man he is today.

I have seen my parents turn into grandparents over the last two and a half years.

I was able to watch my brother-in-law's smile as he got to hang out with one of his best friends from Illinois.

I was able to finish my night listening to soft wilting melodies of flamenco while sipping on scotch around a gently licking fireplace.

I thought to myself - "I need these people; I wouldn't have been able to pull any of this off without the constant love and support from these people - and so many others over the many years of my life. I am so grateful for the undeserved kindness I am shown each and every day. I am grateful that I get to breath everyday a fresh and new breath."


This was an adult thought. It's taken a little too long to get there, but by god I've got it.

As my man Vonnegut has said:

"Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything."

My life - thanks to all of you is filled with laughter.

To whomever this may concern - thank you.

Even if we don't like each other very much.

Which is probably most of you.

...and that is how I saved Thanksgiving - again.

"Tape" - The review without a clever title.

I find it strange that my first official "Life Condoms" post should be a Milwaukee theatre review as I tend not to see much theatre in Milwaukee.

This is a true statement for two major reasons:

 1. I am usually involved in a show.
 2. As a pretentious piece of shit - I usually have a hard time enjoying myself.

However, this is the first time in about two and a half years that I have had more than a month outside of a production and it is my goal to take full advantage of it. I was, also, one of a mere twelve available seats at a pay-jwhat-joo-cayn preview night for the performance of "Tape" so I figured a review is the only fair thing to do.

I am still a piece of shit.

This production was brought to my attention recently and I was immediately interested.The entire action of the play takes place in a hotel room. The seating is limited to twelve people and you are at the most ten feet away from any action happening "on stage". (At the least? 15 inches)
This is what I live for.
A visceral theatre experience to say the least.
A cast of three people? Sign me up.
Simulated drug use? Fuck it; I'll bring the real shit and we can get this show started.
I was lucky enough to call like a little schoolgirl, right at noon when the tickets became available, and be one of the few who would be a part of this experience.

I was sitting at home, rockin' on some peach salza, and discussing many sophisticated and worldly affairs with my friend and confidant Robby McGhee...
Now appearing in Bye Bye Liver - the live theatre version of the following video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNtTEibFvlQ

I mentioned the fact that I was taking his wife and my roomed mate to the Monday evening production of "Tape" when he let me know that a customer of his, Rob Maass, was appearing in this play.

Joy (If I can barely describe it as that. Infinite joy possibly? Let us say; glorious rapture) swept over me to be reunited with a friend and former stage partner.

A bref our-story of Robert and Jordan's theatre relationship:
Children of Eden - Oak Creek High School
It Came from the Student Lounge - Break a Leg Productions
Seven Brides For Seven Brothers - Who Gives a Shit Co.
So Long Sweet Summer - We Should Write a Play that Rob Kills Himself in Studios
Love's Fire - Renaissance Theatre

Sterling stuff boys and girls. Needless to say my anticipation was now thru the proverbial roof; and the literal roof was already ruined by rain... so I was roofless.

The Show:

Arriving at the Best Western on Old World 3rd was an interesting enough start to the evening. A man with a long greasy yellowish ponytail was standing outside smoking a cigarette and staring at passers-by and the lobby smelled like you could get syphilis just from standing there too long. It really gave the authentic feeling of... well being at a Best Western hotel.
We were met in the lobby, told we had to turn off our cell-phones, that we were not allowed to use the "set" bathroom and under no circumstances answer the telephone "onstage", and shown up to room 902.

Not much to be said for set design; as it was Room 902 of the Best Western and I am pretty sure they have their own personal "interior designer" who takes care of the rooms. I can say pretty certainly that the twelve seats were definitely set in the most appropriate space for twelve seats in a hotel room.

The action is already taking place; Matt Kemple as Vince is reading smut on the bed with a Pabst Blue Ribbon. The phone rings (I resist every urge to reach out from my seat and answer it) and the drama unfolds.

Sidenote:
The play did not stop audience members from making small comments to each other and unwrapping candy while the show went on. I mean, who would notice these small audience faux-pas when you are crammed together like sardines? Not distracting at all.

The call was from Vince's longtime friend Jon played by Rob Maass. Within minutes he is in the room and all of the ensuing dialogue and action is played in real-time; mostly between these two characters.

To pull off an hour of two people on-stage is tough; the action must be intriguing and energetic enough to keep the audiences attention and in such close quarters it must also be ultra-realistic to be believable.

Neither of these two things were fully realized. This is not to say that the show was not an enjoyable and interesting theatre experience.

The script is dark and tortured; sad and sentimental; and at (surprisingly) more times than not - uncomfortably amusing. It is a very difficult job as an actor to approach the subject matter of "Tape" and hit all of those points effectively.

Matt Kemple's -Vince- was certainly the most dynamic of the three characters. The character is painted unsympathetically from the start and not much is done to improve his moral standing with the audience as we find out that even his "best-friend" holds a dramatically low opinion of him. Despite that, Matt Kemple strikes just the right chords at the right times to make this performance strong, believable, sympathetic, and pretty hilarious.

Rob Maass as Jon is at his best when he is saying nothing at all. His physicality speaks so much more to the depth of his character than his words. I often found myself watching Rob while there were long silent pauses in the show or when the other two characters were heavily involved in conversation. That being said; it would be nice if a few more of his consonants were enunciated. At his most "dramatic" moments of yelling; it was a bit of a chore to figure out exactly what was coming out of his mouth.

Gwen Zupan comes in close to the end of the show as Amy Randall and delivers a substantial performance. The two friend's fate comes to rest solely in her hands, and she makes strong bold choices that understandably lead to the characters final decision. She unquestionably is the most ambiguously written character (you sometimes feel that even she isn't quite sure of the "truth" that is being ripped from her) and none of her emotions or responses seemed  forced or out of left-field.

My major issue with the show is that a lot of the conflict arises from the possesion of a "Tape" that the character Vince possesses. Rob Maass is considerably larger than Matt - most of the fight scenes were not believable and with the eight foot arms that Rob Maass posseses; he could easily have reached over and grabbed the "Tape" at any time he chose.

The show runs roughly an hour and twenty minutes with no intermission - for the most part; this time flew by for me. It is nice to see daring and innovative theatre in Milwaukee and I encourage you all to get tickets to this show as soon as possible - seating will be very limited.

http://www.pinkbananatheatre.com/?n=UpcomingShows